I'm sure I'm not the first man (or woman, for that matter) who has questioned their own motives or whether they are hearing God accurately as opposed to "putting words in His mouth". Nevertheless, it is never a comfortable feeling to be in that place of introspection, at least in my opinion. Tonight I looked at "the man in the mirror", and I did not like what I saw. I saw a man who had once again become so caught up in "making things happen" and being "the go-to guy", that I temporarily lost sight of the reason for doing them. And of course, in the process, began to doubt my Father.
I'm told this is a pretty typical male character flaw, but I hate indecision and I hate waiting, especially when I'm having to wait because I'm unsure of something. "God, just tell me what's up and I'm sure WE can make it happen." How my Father must laugh sometimes at my feeble human efforts to fill His shoes. Isaiah tells us "They that WAIT upon the Lord shall renew their strength..." Why is it that we men struggle so much with that simple concept? Is it because we are used to being in charge or having others dependent upon our decisions? Maybe its because at work, time is money and to wait on anything feels like we are wasting time. Whatever the reason, I know this has been one of my biggest struggles. I find myself constantly questioning if there is something more I should be doing, and yes, I have a hard time relinquishing control.
Okay, there, I said it. And thus the battle with the man in the mirror. Because the reality is, this is the oldest struggle in the book. Man questioning and thinking he knows better than God. And the reality is simple. God is not an arrogant know-it-all like that guy you can't stand at work. He is omniscient. He truly knows everything. He has the advantage of an eternal perspective that in our limited human bodies, we can't even begin to grasp the scope of. Yet, time and again, we will question God because we forget that His ways are higher than our ways. We can't even see around the next corner or over the next hill, yet He sees the entire journey at a glance. He created us, designed us, knows our every detail of how we are designed to work, yet we still struggle to trust that He truly knows what's best for us and the people we effect.
So, how do we overcome this defect in character? Well, one way is to "count our blessings." That's essentially what pulled me out of my self-inflicted funk. I began reading the various posts my beautiful bride had made to our blog, and I felt ashamed. I realized all the ways in which God had blessed us already; how He'd paved the way for us in so many ways, and here I was like the Israelites of old, looking over my shoulder at the land of Egypt and thinking "Oh, if I could just go back to my comfort zone (aka - slavery)!"
(Stay tuned for Pt. 2)